On Fear

I’m terrified of the full-time job. I’m scared to interview—scared to fail it, scared to pass it. I’ve seen jobs openings in the Seattle area… but all excitement turns to dread at the thought of having to go through this ordeal. I’m scared that I’ll get a full-time job and hate it and want out and that I won’t make any friends and that my boss will regret hiring me and that I’ll make stupid mistakes and that I’ll not know how to do what I have to do and that my hours will clash with Dan’s so we’ll never see each other and of being in a new place and of meeting new people and that I won’t be good enough. I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared.

I’ve never had a full-time job before.

I hate the feeling of being scared. I’ve only gotten the better of it a few times, like when I applied for grad school, and when I was open about leaving the lds church, and when I got married, and whenever I talk to my true-blue mormon friends, and when I decided to be a runner. God, all that fear! I want to—need to—add “getting a full-time job” to that list. The “I conquered it” list. The “Screw you Fear” list. The “Pfff, no big deal” list.

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