A change

Last Sunday, Dan and I sat down in the bishop’s office, had a brief talk, and I handed in a letter.

The bishop wanted me to think about this, but I’ve had 8 months — that’s two months longer than my mom’s last gestation period (my now 8-year old brother). And, I would say that time it takes to grow a body is an appropriate time to fully process a change of heart.

When I have spare moments during the day, my thoughts occasionally wander back to last summer. Coeur d’Alene. Rolling hills, large, luminous water body lapping up the shoreline, all the green, miles and miles riding and laughing with Dan on bikes, fresh food, nature, and the seemingly endless amount of downtime.

Peace.
Peace is the word to describe the entire summer.

And here enters the dichotomy. Because, well… My brain imploded. exploded. unloaded. The pandora box of questions, doubts, curiosities about the religion I belonged to … it opened.

Who unlocked it? Not me. At the first whiff of a musty odor, I crammed as much as I could back into that box where it belonged. I was a mess. Enter: frustration, confusion, anger.

And, and then Dan spoke up. “The truth can withstand questioning,” he said.

We talked for days, hours, weeks discussing religion, society, truth, God. I did the old adage: I searched, I pondered, I prayed. My whole being was invested in this endeavor. I fought it for a while, but the day came when my eyes were clear, my heart was peaceful, my shoulders light … and while I saw that LDS Church does bring people near to God, it is by no means completely true, or true completely.

And with this, I was free. Free from a religion that, so deep down that I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t experienced it for myself, I did not want to be a part of.

And so the vital question rises: Who opened my pandora’s box?

On this hinges so many answers, and certainly more questions for some of my friends. But there is one thing I know, and it is this:

God and I spent this summer together.

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